Use your words: Millennials mocked for gentle parenting. But were they right all along?

It was one of those rare parenting wins that are few and far between.

Lauren Reed’s two daughters, who are 6 and 3 years old, were in the doorway of her kitchen talking out a dispute about blocks that minutes before had ended in yelling and tears.

“I noticed pretty clearly my older daughter was using the language we use every day,” said Reed, 38, from Richmond, Virginia. “I was so excited about how well they were doing.”

The moment was so precious that Reed whipped out her phone to take a quick video and share it on TikTok. It went viral, garnering more than 9 million views, plus another 15 million on Instagram.

Gentle parenting is emotionally exhausting, Reed said, but these little wins carry her through the hard days.

“By the end of the day, we’re definitely tired and feel like we’ve done a lot of parenting,” she said. “You see moments like this and you’re like, ‘it is working.’ They’re kind and emotionally intelligent young people, and it makes it all worth it.”

The parenting style popularized by millennials has been criticized by older generations who argue parents are too permissive with their children. But child psychologists say they’re seeing a shift in children and their emotional intelligence that seems to suggest gentle parenting might be working.

“As a generation, the younger kids are more insightful with mental health concerns, more specific with the emotional language they’re using, and communicate it effectively with others,” said Dr. Elizabeth Ortiz-Schwartz, service chief of the adolescent inpatient program at Silver Hill Hospital in Connecticut.

Commenters on Reed's video are flocking to it, feeling vindicated: "THIS is gentle parenting. Not the misinformation people say it is where parents let their kids get away with everything," read one of the 16,500 comments on TikTok. "It teaches emotional regulation, communication skills and natural consequences." Another declared: "WE’RE DOING IT GUYS WE’RE HEALING GENERATIONS."

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What is gentle parenting?

Gentle parenting is a parenting style that’s rooted in understanding, empathy, respect and boundaries, said parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who wrote the book that brought gentle parenting to mainstream, “The Gentle Parenting Book.” It was first published in 2016.

“It’s treating children in the way you wished you had been treated by parents and caregivers when you were a child,” she said.

Though some may confuse it with permissive parenting, another parenting style that imposes few rules and discipline, Ockwell-Smith said gentle parenting is a “kinder” version of authoritative parenting, characterized by a close, nurturing relationship between caregivers and their children.

Although Ockwell-Smith has used the term “gentle parenting" for about 20 years, authoritative parenting has been around since the 1960s, when developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind identified it as one of the four main styles of parenting: authoritarian, permissive, authoritative and neglectful.

Authoritarian parenting, which is defined by strict rules and punishment, is “still by far the main parenting style” in the U.S. and U.K., Ockwell-Smith said.

“We want to grow kids who don’t need therapy, kids that have relationships that last as adults, with good mental health,” she said.

A 2024 study suggests people who practice gentle parenting may not do it by the book.

Some caregivers who self-identify as gentle parents use techniques characteristic of authoritarian parenting, while others lean more permissive, said lead author Annie Pezalla, visiting assistant professor of psychology at Macalester College in Saint Paul, Minnesota.

“There’s tons of diversity in this movement,” she said. But the gentle-parenting ideology “as a whole” represents an “earnestness in parenting.”  

Is gentle parenting working?

Though there’s no data that objectively determines whether gentle parenting is working, anecdotal evidence suggests it might be.

Child development experts say they've seen a change in younger children. They’re more empathetic, emotionally intelligent and able to communicate how they feel, said Dr. Stacy Doumas, a child psychiatrist at Hackensack Meridian Jersey Shore University Medical Center.

“A lot of children are much more able to discuss their feelings, their worries and concerns and have those open and honest conversations,” she said. “They’re able to do that in situations where they feel that they’re going to be validated and have a good sounding board.”

Ockwell-Smith said parents shouldn’t expect immediate results from gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is meant to create a lasting, strong bond between caregiver and child throughout their childhood, adolescence and adulthood, Ockwell-Smith said, which means gentle parents don't typically see the fruits of their labor "for a long time."

“You’re in it for the long haul," she said.

In the meantime, children of gentle parents still cry, throw tantrums, hit their siblings and backtalk because “it’s just what children do,” she said. The difference is that behaviors happen in a supportive environment where boundaries are held while children feel heard and validated.

In the 2024 study, researchers were surprised to find that many self-identifying gentle parents were gentle-parented themselves, which Pezalla said gives a glimpse of how gentle-parented kids may grow up.

These gentle parents boasted great relationships with their own parents and wanted to continue that with their children, she said.

What isn’t working about gentle parenting?

Though gentle parenting may be working for kids, it may be at the cost of parents' mental health. Child development experts said this parenting style can be time-intensive and emotionally exhausting.

“It takes a lot of emotional investment to really hear what your child’s thoughts are and to give them choices within boundaries,” said Doumas, from Hackensack Meridian Jersey Shore University Medical Center.

Ockwell-Smith said gentle parenting may be more difficult and time-consuming on the front end, when children are little, but it pays off when they're grown, and less time is required during their teenage years.

"Gentle parenting is more work and harder work in the early years," she said. "The time when I was reaping the rewards was during the teenage years. ... I have a really great relationship with my teenager because of the work I put in earlier."

Research shows parents are spending more time caring for their children. For mothers, the average time spent on child care rose from 8.4 hours in 1985 to 11.8 hours in 2022. For fathers, weekly childcare hours rose from 2.6 to 6.6 in those years.

With increased demands on parents, former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued a public health warning last year that detailed the stresses of parenting. The surgeon general report found that two-fifths of parents say that on most days, “they are so stressed they cannot function. Roughly half of parents called that stress “completely overwhelming.”

But Ockwell-Smith argues gentle parenting isn’t to blame. The added stress parents feel is a result of policy decisions regarding paid parental leave, child care costs and early education.

“One universal truth is that parenting is exhausting and draining and difficult no matter how you do it,” Ockwell-Smith said. “A major part of gentle parenting is focusing and starting with yourself, prioritizing your needs and taking care of yourself.”

Reed, from Richmond, Virginia, can relate. She attested one of the hardest things about gentle parenting is working through her own difficult emotions and identifying when she needs a break.

She's not perfect. Reed gets frustrated with her daughters, but she has learned how to repair and reconnect with them after a tough day.

"It's really hard work, but it's so worth it," Reed said. "Lay down the groundwork early so you can have the best relationship with them forever."

Adrianna Rodriguez can be reached at adrodriguez@usatoday.com.